A Former Struggling Screenwriter Watches Knight of Cups, a Film About a Screenwriter

knight of cups

Because a friend thought it would be fun to watch a film about a screenwriter (Christian Bale) with a former screenwriter (me) and see how I would react:

“Okay, no. Just no. First off, no screenwriter is this good-looking. And second, no screenwriter has this many good-looking women flocking around him unless they’re just using him as a way to get to Antonio Banderas.”

“You know, as many times as I was on the Warner Bros. lot back in the day, no one ever handed me a big envelope full of cash.”

“It’s like he has some weird form of OCD, and has to stare soulfully off every balcony in Los Angeles to quiet the voice-overs.”

“Is this writer ever going to actually write anything?”

“Honestly, they just filmed 55 fashion or perfume photoshoots, strung them together, and called it a movie.”

“I wish I’d been successful enough to make it into a real A-list party like that. A guy who had just scored a kid’s show on Nickelodeon did offer me his D-list, basic-cable marijuana once, but I think he just wanted to me to fall asleep so he could hit on my wife.”

“This really should have starred Prince instead of Christian Bale. Then at least all these club scenes would have had him jumping up on stage and doing a song. This is two hours of watching Batman not enjoy himself on vacation.”

“Is anything ever going to actually happen in this movie?”

“Oh, hell no. The stripper with the heart of gold? They put that movie cliché in a movie about a screenwriter? This is beyond meta.”

“Can we scroll back and watch that part with the dogs jumping in the pool after the tennis ball again?”

“Man, having an affair with Christian Bale is really boring. No wonder he has a new woman every 10 minutes of screen time.”

“How can a movie about a screenwriter have only two memorable lines of dialog, and the screenwriter doesn’t even say them?”

“Wait, now we’re wandering in the desert again? Is he looking for ‘meaning’ or can’t find Burning Man? I just don’t know anymore.”

“… That’s it? … Seriously, is that it? … Maybe there’s a post-credits scene …”

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This entry was posted in Hollywood, My Life, Reviews, Satire, Screenwriting, Writing and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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