Link: “27 Ways to Be a Modern Man”
Synopsis: The Modern Man only eats popcorn at the movies during big action set pieces, because while chewing with your mouth open is a legitimate culinary/lifestyle choice that no one should judge, we’re still in this together. The Modern Man makes sure the cell phones of his spouse and children are charging each night but worries not about his own battery percentage, because he remembers the phrase “women and children first” from James Cameron’s Titanic, during which he cried, often, but ate no popcorn. The Modern Man knows that carpeting is unsophisticated and has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn yet never actually purchased one, because it might slip and scratch his hardwood flooring. And because he vaguely remembers Billy Zane beating Kate Winslet with one in a deleted scene on the Titanic Blu-ray. He isn’t entirely sure about that last one, but the Modern Man is comfortable with ambiguity, and is better safe than sorry. That’s why he sleeps on the side of the bed closest to the door, to protect his wife from intruders. He has no gun (or shoehorn) for defense, of course, just his Kenneth Cole oxfords and his wife’s fully charged cell phone. And that melon baller from the kitchen. Maybe. The oxfords and his wife’s cell phone should be enough, though, the Modern Man is sure, so long as the intruder doesn’t have a grapefruit spoon, and really, what are the chances of that?
Translation: The Modern Man. By Bravo.